Risks and Rewards
by Commander Phoenix
Summary: Post Nemesis, after the book, "Death In Winter", covering events up to the book "Resistance". This is the final version; I combined chapters, all of which are now posted. It's a first fic, so don't give up hope on me completely if you don't like it.
1. Homecoming

Author's Note: The portion of this scene taken directly from _Death In Winter_ by Michael Jan Friedman is in **BOLD** font.

* * *

The butterflies churned in her stomach as she stepped off the passageway from Earth Station McKinley on to the _Enterprise_. In spite of her nervousness, Dr. Beverly Crusher was glad to be home. There was a sense of calm, of comfort that was found nowhere else in the universe than being on the _Enterprise_. Even now, her step had more spring, and her shoulders felt lighter. She smiled and started down the corridor toward the turbolift.

As she walked through the ship, she noticed that things were starting to come together. Bulkheads had been replaced, and new carpeting had been laid. When she arrived on the bridge, she took in her surroundings. The bridge had been improved since she'd last seen it, though there hadn't been much left. The hull breach had been repaired, the consoles had been replaced, but cables still hung haphazardly throughout the space.

Beverly spotted Commander Worf, who was standing near Ops, tabbing through information on a PADD. She approached him, smiling.

"Looks like things around here are improving."

"It is... progressing." Worf replied. "Welcome back, doctor. I didn't expect you so early. Commander La Forge and I were planning on meeting you upon your arrival."

"I needed to come home on my own, Worf," Beverly replied calmly despite the growing knot of apprehension as she thought of her next duty: reporting to the captain. "Has Captain Picard returned to duty?"

Worf's demeanor shifted to one she knew meant he was displeased. "The captain began his shift a few minutes ago, however, I do not think he is ready to resume command. As we discussed yesterday evening when you first contacted me, he is still unsettled."

"Perhaps my first duty after reporting in will be persuading the captain to take a bit more time off." Beverly responded, the apprehension now mixing with remorse. _Why did I take so long to figure out what I needed to do? I hope it's not too late to undo the damage between us. _

"A wise decision, doctor." Worf answered. "As per your request, he is still unaware of your return. May I?"

Beverly nodded, feeling more trepidation with each passing moment, but forcing herself to stay calm.

**"Commander Worf to Captain Picard."**

**"Picard here,"** came the reply. Beverly felt her heart jump at the sound of Jean-Luc's voice, and hoped it didn't show.

**"Sir,"** Worf responded, with a gleam in his eye. **"The new chief medical officer has arrived."**

There was another pause-- longer than either of them had expected; she and Worf exchanged concerned glances.

The anxiety heightened again, knowing that Jean-Luc didn't have any idea that she had returned to the _Enterprise_. She worried, remembering that while doctors were always needed and wanted someplace, she preferred to be needed and wanted by a someone who needed and wanted her. Being the CMO of the flagship of the Federation had nothing to do with her anxiety. Whether or not Jean-Luc Picard needed or wanted her on a personal level had now become the source of her trepidation.

**"Send him to my ready room,"** came Jean-Luc Picard's unusually terse response. She grinned openly at Worf.

**"You mean-"** Worf paused for effect, **"-send her to your ready room."**

This time the response was quicker, but sounded more resigned. **"Yes, of course. Send **_**her**_**."**

Beverly moved towards the door to the ready room and silently mouthed a thank you to Worf.

Worf entered the turbolift and departed with a brief nod.

Standing before the door allowed the sensors to chirp her arrival. **"Come,"** came the standard call from the speaker above the door.

As she stepped forward into the room, Beverly saw Jean-Luc standing at the window, his back to her, watching the stars outside. The doors swished shut behind her, and she quietly crossed the room to the side of his desk. Years of experience told her that Worf had been right-- Jean-Luc was most certainly not himself. His posture told her that he was using every ounce of strength just to hold himself together.

He began to speak, still peering out the window before him, in the formal tone he used whenever he addressed visitors as the ship's captain. **"I apologize, I was tied up, or I would have greeted you in the transporter room. In any case,"** he continued, still entirely unaware of the fact that he was addressing her, **"I'm glad to have you aboard. You are obviously highly qualified, or you wouldn't have been selected for this assignment." **

Beverly took a breath to calm herself, keeping her voice steady as she replied, **"I requested this assignment, Captain." **

Jean-Luc's head snapped around toward her, his eyes wide. Beverly sensed that he was still grasping the notion that she was actually there; that he was questioning whether or not his eyes were telling him the truth.

He opened his mouth, obviously caught off guard, and began speaking. **"I don't.... understand..."** his voice trailed off.

Beverly didn't think, she didn't have to. She stepped past the corner of the desk toward him. Taking his hands in her own, she pulled him toward her. Her lips moved over his, not in a chaste manner as in years past, but lovingly. She wanted him to understand he was the reason for her return.

When they pulled apart momentarily, she spoke again, letting the words tumble out. **"I've been a fool, Jean-Luc. I was given a second chance at loving you, and I almost threw it away. Can you forgive me?"**

She looked directly into his hazel eyes, searching for something, anything, that indicated the answer to what was the biggest, riskiest question she'd ever posed. Jean-Luc pulled loose one hand, brushed a stray piece of hair away from her face and met her gaze.

**"Perhaps in time,"** his tone was amiable, as he began to smile, **"but then, we have plenty of that now, don't we?"** He brushed his mouth against hers, then settled more firmly. As their mouths parted then rejoined, Beverly could feel the uncertainty drain from her body.

As they finally broke apart, Jean-Luc asked, "Have dinner with me tonight?"

"Of course." she replied with a smile, as she ran her eyes the length of Jean-Luc's toned physique. "I suppose I should get down to sickbay, see how things are going down there."

She knew that they needed time; nothing in their relationship happened quickly. It had taken them over a decade to reach this point.

"I look forward to it," he responded, letting go of her and stepping back.

Beverly moved back around the desk to leave. As she did so, Jean-Luc called out behind her, "Beverly, welcome home."


	2. Firelight Confessional

Beverly was sitting in her office in sickbay, reviewing the initial inspection and status reports she had just written before sending them to the captain.

All the medical records for the permanent crew aboard were complete, the condition of every piece of equipment in both sickbay and cargo bay four had been verified, and an inventory of every medical supply on board had completed in record time. The supply orders had all ready been submitted and were on schedule to arrive at the same time the personnel. _Not bad for nine hours of work, but then without any distractions here, and not much left to work with after everything that's happened..._

Beverly sent the reports, sighing as she sat back in her chair, pushing herself back and forth with one leg while the other was folded underneath her.

_What am I going to do for the next __few days__? I have some research to finish reading up on, and I could start some of my own again... On the other hand, I did promise Worf that I'd try to get Jean-Luc to take some time off. _

Her thoughts were cut short by an incoming notification on her monitor. She touched the screen, and the image of her calendar appeared. The next four days had been blocked out in grey, a standard leave request icon attached to each day.

_I didn't put in for leave! What's going on here?_ Beverly was perplexed, but curious about this little mystery. She sat forward in her chair, examining each of the requests side by side on the screen. Wiggling around to get more comfortable when she thought, _Jean-Luc filled out __**and **__approved the requests? Why would he do that? _Her eyes narrowed as she scanned all four of the requests, seeing that they were identical, and contained no other clues to her new mystery.

She caught movement out of the corner of her eye, and jumped when she realized Jean-Luc was standing in front of her desk in civilian clothes.

"My apologies, I didn't mean to startle you."

"It's okay, I guess I was distracted... " Beverly stopped mid sentence. She eyed him suspiciously, taking in his civilian clothes and slightly more relaxed demeanor as she said, "You're up to something."

"I decided that perhaps we should have dinner in a new location- if you approve, of course."

Her eyebrow raised slightly as she met his gaze. _What kind of exotic dinner location takes__ four days__? I'm already hungry. _

"Okay," Beverly agreed as she quickly stood up and deactivated her monitor.

As they walked toward the door of sickbay, Beverly asked, "So, where are we going?"

"If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise, now would it?" Jean-Luc quickly responded with a mischievous grin.

They walked down the corridor to the turbolift. _Maybe the holodecks are working again, although I don't remember Jean-Luc _ever _having dinner on the holodeck, _Beverly thought.

As they stepped inside, Jean-Luc said, "Transporter room two."

"How about a hint?" Beverly asked impatiently, her curiosity was getting the best of her as the turbolift ascended toward their destination.

Jean-Luc's tone was one of solemnity. "As far as I'm aware, you've never been to this place before."

They stepped out of the turbolift, and rounded the corner to the transporter room. As with many other areas of the ship, no one was there, the crew had been granted leave while in space dock for repairs, and the repair crews were done with this portion of the ship. Two jackets sat upon the step of the transporter pad, where Jean-Luc picked them up.

"It's been raining this afternoon, and the air is a bit cool. You'll want this," he held out one jacket for her as Beverly slid her arms in, thanking him. The warmth of his hand against her shoulders caused her heart to flutter.

Jean-Luc slipped his jacket on before working the controls of the transporter and indicated that she should step up to the platform. She did so, and he quickly joined her. A few seconds later, the hum of the transporter enveloped her, turning into a whine as she began to reassemble.

As the whine of the transporter ceased, Beverly looked around her. She was standing on an ancient, wide cobblestone path, lined with trees and shrubbery on each side. The sky above was getting dark, and a few remnants of clouds were drifting by. The smell of fresh rain was still heavy in the air.

"Where are we?" Beverly asked, as Jean-Luc stepped beside her.

"LaBarre, about a hundred meters from my home," he smiled warmly, taking in her reaction. Beverly noticed that the twinkle in his eye she had seen that morning in the ready room was back. "I told you that you probably haven't been here before." He offered her his elbow, and she slid her arm along his.

They began walking, although Beverly had no idea which direction they were going. There were tall trees growing all around her, preventing her from seeing more than fifteen or twenty meters ahead. Beneath the trees, an assortment of bushes and plants in a variety of greens mixed with smells of trees, herbs, and other things. It was a comfortable place.

In spite of her surroundings, Beverly's mind was reeling-- _He's sharing one of the few places in the universe he keeps only to himself. Even after his brother and nephew had died, he kept everything to himself, didn't allow any of us to so much as visit. Now he's sharing this with me. _

"I noticed that you approved four days of leave." Beverly kept her voice as neutral as she could, trying not to show the waves of emotion that were crashing through her.

Nodding, Jean-Luc replied evenly, "Yes. I thought we should take advantage of the time we have left during repairs on the ship to do some repair work between us."

Beverly looked sideways at Jean-Luc, not surprised at his seriousness so much as that he was making this opportunity.

He stopped and turned to face her, taking her hands in his own. The twinkle in his eyes gave way to heartache as his smile faded. "I've missed you terribly, Beverly. The last year has been very difficult. The more we grew apart, the more I missed you. I didn't know how to return to the way we were. Then after the mission on Kevratas, I didn't think before I spoke to you. What I said... we both know it's true, but I still hurt you, and I wish I could take back that pain...." Jean Luc's voice trailed off for a moment. "I thought you were gone forever, and that it was my fault for driving you away." His voice was hushed, almost to a whisper, and Beverly couldn't tell which was more intense-- his voice, or his gaze.

"Jean-Luc, it wasn't your fault," she whispered back, "I was so afraid and dense that I didn't recognize- " Her voice trailed off as she rested her forehead against his.

He wrapped his arms around her, and pulled her even closer, as she brought her arms up around his shoulders. They stood together, holding on to one another and drawing strength from each other.

Soon they pulled apart and continued walking in a more comfortable silence. A house came into view, surrounded by several other buildings. They stopped and Jean-Luc gestured to the left, still holding her hand in his own.

"That's the winery over there. Beyond it is the conservatory, greenhouses and the stable. The formal garden begins on the far side of the conservatory." A different kind of tranquility had slowly filled Jean-Luc as he spoke to her, his shoulders dropping, and his voice taking on a more comfortable cadence. Beverly hadn't seen this part of Jean-Luc before, but found comforting.

"Is that the house? Beverly asked, as she pointed across the road behind them.

Jean-Luc turned, nodding. On the opposite side of the cobblestone path, she saw a house that looked like it was as ancient as the road they were on. As she took in the sight, Jean-Luc continued, "Marie thought it only fitting to rebuild the house as it was. Robert would have wanted it that way. I must admit though, she took some well deserved liberties and added some newer technologies. Unfortunately, she's gone to visit friends in Alice Springs, Australia or I'd introduce you."

They made their way across the cobblestone path, and into the house. When they stepped inside, the smell of something cooking met Beverly's nose. She closed her eyes, and took a deep breath. _Wine, some kind of poultry, lots of herbs, warm bread,_ she thought, opened her eyes and said, "Mmm. It smells delicious, whatever it is." She slid her jacket off, and handed it back to Jean-Luc. While he hung both jackets on old-fashioned pegs behind the door, Beverly began to look around.

The main room had bookshelves along one wall that ended just before a stairway. A fireplace anchored the opposite wall, with comfortable looking chairs, an ottoman, and a small table, all sitting before it. Beyond them was a desk with a computer terminal.

Jean-Luc invited her to move further into the room, continuing. "This is the living room. The only thing that is quite different from the way it used to be is the books-- most of them were lost in the fire..." He paused for a moment, then started again. "Upstairs are the bedrooms. Feel free to explore anything you wish."

They moved toward the far end of the room, Jean-Luc guiding her as they went. Beverly saw the kitchen off to the left. It reminded her of her grandmother's home on Caldos; with an oven, stove, and other parts of a traditional kitchen, including a table, set for two.

Jean-Luc opened the oven, removed a covered dish, and placed it on a trivet in the center of the table before them.

"Have you ever had Coq au Vin?"

* * *

Beverly reached out and took the small glass of dessert wine from Jean-Luc had offered. As he sat down in the chair beside hers in front of the fire, she allowed the warmth of the fire to sink into her bones. Fire was something she'd always enjoyed, the warmth and dancing colored flames drew her eyes momentarily, before she turned towards Jean-Luc.

"Out with it, Jean-Luc." she asked, her voice filled with curiosity.

"Hmm?" Jean-Luc replied.

"You were staring at me just now. Come on; out all ready." Her tone was playful, but underneath it, she knew there was something important waiting to be said.

"I was thinking about how content you look, watching the firelight. And I was thinking that I should have brought you here a long time ago," he replied, as he sipped his drink.

"Thank you for showing me all this," she said, indicating her surroundings, "for dinner, for everything." She smiled at him, taking a sip from her glass. "I'm honored that you wanted to share this with me." She reached out and took his hand, smiling. "I know you don't open up to people anymore. Even the ones you've served with a long time, and the ones you rely on everyday. I hope I get to see this part of you more often." She turned back toward the firelight, not wanting to invade his privacy by watching for a response, and felt him squeeze her hand a little more. Feeling more comfortable by his response, she wondered aloud, "What happened to change that?"

Jean-Luc sighed. "Between loosing my best friend, and then the Stargazer... I stayed on inactive reserve for almost three years, and I came back under protest. I suppose it just became habit by then... to stay away from everyone..."

"You went through more hell in four months than most people do in their lifetime." Beverly paused, "I have to admit Jean-Luc. I've spent a lot of time thinking about which of us changed more because of Jack dying; you or me. I married him, but you lived with him. We both loved him dearly, just in different ways. The more time has gone by, the more I believe we were both equally as changed."

"I never thought of it quite like that."

They both sat for a few minutes, staring at the firelight. Beverly wondered, _Does he still feel guilty about being in love with me all those years ago? _

"Jean-Luc, there's something I need to tell you," she began.

He looked directly at her.

"When we were on Kesprytt, you felt so guilty about your feelings for me then." She looked straight into his hazel eyes, searching out as much as she could about what was happening inside him. The whirl of Jean-Luc's emotions were there again, too cluttered together for her to place. "You've never done anything wrong, Jean-Luc. I know that never mattered to you so much as the principle of it..." She let her voice fade out. "I also want you to know that I've never thought, even for a moment, that the way you felt about me was a betrayal of Jack." She paused. "Do you still--"

"No. I stopped feeling guilty sometime later." His swift response to her question spoke volumes, even if his voice was still hushed. "Was that why you didn't want to," he hesitated for a moment, "explore other possibilities then?"

She nodded bashfully. "I knew how much that troubled you. I didn't want to make it worse." She thought for a few minutes, then added, "I was afraid too. I was worried that once we 'explored other possibilities' we might not be able to be friends anymore." Beverly looked down at their hands, now joined together, then met his gaze again, getting quieter as she spoke. "I convinced myself we both needed more than that to be happy. After all, we've both invested so much over the years in our careers, our hobbies. In retrospect, I wasn't ready yet."

Jean-Luc nodded again, his emotions clearly settling back down.

"I never knew you were a good cook. Why haven't you ever taken advantage of the kitchens aboard the ship?"

Jean-Luc gave her a sheepish look. "Years ago, I tried cooking aboard the _Antares_. Nothing I made turned out quite right. I never could figure out what it was. I tried again when I transferred to the _Stargazer_, and the result was the same. Then, as time went by, I had enough other things to do that I never got back to it,"

He paused; deciding how best to proceed. "Beverly... what did you mean earlier, when you said you were...'dense'? That's not a word that you use often."

Beverly was silent for a moment. She tugged on the sleeve of her uniform, then folded her arms, unfolded them, and returned to tugging on her sleeve. She took another sip of her wine, and focused on the rim of the glass. Finally, she looked back up at Jean-Luc, knowing she couldn't hide it anymore.

"You. Me. Us," her voice came out quieter than she had hoped.

Jean-Luc turned his chair, so that they were seated face to face, and moved forward to the edge of his seat. She set her glass down on the small table next to their chairs, and took his hand in hers. Taking a deep breath, knowing that she'd have to get it all out somehow, she looked into Jean-Luc's hazel eyes.

"When I was trapped in a frozen alley on Kevratas, knowing I had no chance of escape and Sela's disruptor pointed at me, it dawned on me that there were only two people in the universe that I needed to say goodbye to: Wesley... and you." She looked away, absently picked up her glass, sipped it again, and set it back down before tugging on her sleeves a few more times, then folding her hands in her lap, focusing her eyes on them. This time, as she spoke, her voice got stronger.

"Then once I had been taken prisoner, I had nothing to do but sit and think about my life. I've spent a lot of time over the years distracting myself; doing things as a means of hiding from myself. As long as I've had a direction to go in, some goal to fulfill, regardless of how chaotic things became, distracting myself remained a constant in my life. Everything I've done, from my research to my plays, it was all a way to keep myself occupied."

She paused for a moment to regroup, realizing for the first time that Jean-Luc's hands had curled around her own.

"I've known for a while now that I'll always love Jack, but I don't miss him anymore. What I didn't realize was that I moved on with my life." Beverly looked back at Jean-Luc, her voice becoming quiet again. "As horrible as it sounds, it was actually a relief. At some point, I learned how to be Beverly again."

Jean-Luc's breath caught in his throat.

She knew that he was pondering what exactly that last sentence entailed, but she forced herself to keep talking, while she finally had found enough courage to tell him everything. _Beverly, keep talking. Out with it!_

She found herself focusing on the toe of her shoe, as she felt Jean-Luc lightly rub his thumbs across the backs of her hands. Beverly took a deep breath, knowing she was almost to the end. She met his gaze again.

"I've loved you for a very long time. I was so terrified of losing you that I was distancing myself from you." She paused, allowing herself to breathe, "when I realized what I had done, what a fool I was...I'm so sorry, Jean-Luc."

Beverly couldn't think, couldn't speak.

He reached out, and carefully pulled Beverly from her chair onto his, wrapping her up in his arms in the process. As she heard him whisper back to her, she rested her head against his shoulder.

"I love you."

Hearing his words, Beverly relaxed. Taking in a breath, she caught the scent of Jean-Luc's cologne. She'd always loved the smell of it, and found that when accompanied by his strong arms wrapped around her, somehow his cologne smelled even better. She returned the embrace, relaxing into him more with each passing moment.


	3. A New Day

Beverly took in a deep breath, savoring the moment. Being comfortable and warm was a condition she quite enjoyed. Smelling a hint of moist soil in the air, along with some type of breakfast pastry, she rolled over, and stretched out. Feeling the soreness of her muscles, she remembered how tense she had been. The soreness felt good, particularly given that she hadn't had a decent night of rest in over a month.

_How did I end up in this bed?_ Raising her head from the pillow and looking around, Beverly found herself in the middle of a big old fashioned bed. Opposite the bed was an antique looking armoire, a closed door and her duty boots. She stared at her boots for a moment, musing about how they could have gotten there when they had been on her feet.

She leaned backward against the fluffy pillows, pulling the soft sheets back up to her chin. She turned to her head to the right, and recognized the two bags sitting beside another closed door as the same ones she had brought aboard the Enterprise with her. _How did those get here too? _

Beverly's brain began to answer her questions and she realized that the last thing she remembered was watching the firelight in Jean-Luc's arms.

She pulled her knees up toward her chest as she rose into a sitting position as well, and felt a smile pull at her mouth as she realized she was still in her uniform. _I must have fallen asleep, and Jean-Luc put me in bed,_ Beverly thought, as her sense of confusion was replaced by chagrin.

Beverly got up and stretched, then began picking through her bags for what she needed, and discovered the door closest to her bags led to a bathroom.

A short time later, cleaned up for the day and dressed in civilian clothes, Beverly decided it was time to find some breakfast. Allowing the smell of food to guide her, she wandered down the stairs. It was then she felt like it was normal for her to be standing there on the bottommost stair, watching Jean-Luc finish setting the table for breakfast. She smiled to herself, and walked around the corner.

Tugging on her shirt sleeve, Beverly's voice was quiet, yet cheerful. "Good morning, Jean-Luc."

He turned with a smile toward her, delighted to have her with him. He remembered how much he loved having her there to share each day with.

"Good morning, Beverly," he quickly replied, savoring her presence.

"Have you been up long?" Beverly asked, as she crossed over to the table, smiling.

"Not long. I trust you slept well?"

Beverly nodded, "did I fall asleep watching the firelight?"

As she sat down, Beverly took sight of a single, long stemmed red rose across her plate. She picked it up, smiling, and breathed in it's distinctive scent.

Pouring a cup of coffee for each of them, he set the carafe on the table and sat down next to her, "I take it you haven't had much time off lately."

"I guess I was tired. I didn't really think about it." She sighed and looked toward him apologetically, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep like that, Jean-Luc."

"You're forgiven," he smiled broadly, adding, "the last few weeks have taken their toll on me as well."

She held up the flower with a grin, "Thank you, it's beautiful."

He gave her a short nod and smiled back.

Sipping her coffee, she eyed two packages next to the covered basket of warm croissants. As Beverly began wondering about them, her stomach reminded her of her priorities with a growl. She picked up a croissant first, then asked, "What are those?"

"I have no idea. They were sent to the ship yesterday, so I had them forwarded down here along with your bags. I forgot about them until this morning."

She studied the two oblong packages as she munched her croissant. They were both rectangular, and about the same size. The one addressed to her was thinner than Jean-Luc's was. They were both labeled with proper Starfleet titles and duty locations, including the fact that she was back aboard the Enterprise. _Who knew__ I was coming back? Admiral Brooks and I talked about it two nights ago, just before I talked to Worf, and the documentation always takes a few days to route through the proper channels. _

"Do you know who sent them?" Beverly asked warily.

"What is it, Beverly?" Jean-Luc studied her face, then looked back toward the packages.

"It's addressed to me on the Enterprise, not Starfleet Medical." She stopped for a moment, and her voice became more somber. "Jean-Luc, Admiral Brooks gave me permission to transfer back to the ship two evenings ago. It probably won't be official for a few more days."

He replied in a playful tone, hoping to defuse her sudden concern, "I don't have a stow-away aboard, do I?"

She shook her head, swallowing the mouthful of croissant before adding, "No. Nothing like that." She gave him a smile, but wasn't able to completely disguise her worry. "Seriously, if I Starfleet is still working on my orders, how could someone else know where to address my packages?"

"Perhaps someone who doesn't know you left the ship in the first place?" he ventured. "I've never seen you manage this long with a package before your curiosity gets to you. Open it up." He gestured toward the package with his hand as he finished his bite of croissant.

"What about you?" The impishness was back in her voice again.

"I'll open mine at the same time." He was wiping his hands off on his napkin and reaching for his package as well.

Beverly was certain he was placating her, but she wasn't about to complain.

"It hasn't bothered you at all? How can you sit here and not wonder what's inside, and who it's from?" She couldn't understand how Jean-Luc could overlook a mystery package, but she was too curious about the contents to ask him more about it.

They both opened up the boxes, and looked inside.

Beverly reached in the box, pulled out the new holopadd and started tabbing through without much thought. Hearing the rustle of paper, Beverly looked up and saw Jean-Luc had handfuls of old fashioned photographs-- an idiosyncrasy of his that she had come to appreciate-- looking at each one in turn, and carefully putting them on the table in small, organized piles. "Deanna & Will's wedding?"

He nodded and reached for the coffee pot, pouring each of them another cup.

She put the holopadd down, and activated the 3D mode, so the pictures would appear just above the padd on the table. She leaned over to see the last picture Jean-Luc had set down, and moved through the picture index to the next one, figuring they were mostly the same pictures in the same order.

Laughing and reminiscing together, Beverly declared that Starfleet had designed that dress uniform with ruffles down the front specifically to make her feel like she had been coated in rows of whipped cream.

Jean-Luc reminded her of the prior uniforms that looked more like a Victorian-era frock, then gave her a wicked smile. "I think you enjoyed seeing me standing there in the nude in front of several hundred high profile guests."

"It was better than the dress uniform," she quipped, with an equally wicked grin of her own.

They finished their favorite morning meal, then put away the rest of the breakfast dishes. Beverly picked up her holopadd, and scrolled through the images of the ceremonies when she noticed a detail she'd overlooked before. _Jean-Luc never took his eyes off of me during both weddings. _

Beverly turned off the PADD, and glanced back at the table, where she saw the red rose. She picked up the flower, and sniffed it again, _I love you too, _she allowed her mind to rest a moment. She looked up, noticing Jean-Luc's distracted gaze as well.

"What are you thinking about?" Beverly asked quietly.

"I was thinking about something you said to me last night, and the conversation we had just before Wes arrived at Will and Deanna's wedding in Alaska."

She turned toward him, now standing by the two chairs, with the carafe of coffee and their cups. "That's cryptic," she bantered back, curious.

"At the wedding, you told me that you needed a change in your life, that you had seen enough of wars and making do practicing medicine in less than ideal conditions, which was why you were taking the job at Starfleet Medical." He said tentatively as he settled into a chair. He didn't want to push her too much, however, Beverly was still something of a mystery to him from time to time. "Then last night, you said that you had resolved a lot of old feelings on Kevratas, and that you felt you were free to be yourself again, without the requirement of constant diversion to occupy your time."

She reached out and took his hand, smiling, as she sat down beside him.

"What are you asking?" She asked, finding her voice more cautious than she wanted it to be as they both sat down.

Jean-Luc looked down and took her hand. "I know you Beverly. You don't make rash decisions. You think things through thoroughly before you commit to something. Yet, in the last few months, you seem to have changed your mind a number of times."

"Isn't it a woman's prerogative to change her mind?" She asked with a coy smile as she met his gaze again.

"Indeed."

Beverly hesitated for a moment, deciding how best to phrase her question. Finally she decided there was no other way than to be candid about it. "Jean-Luc," she started, being careful to keep her voice level and calm despite the apprehension now swirling within her. "Why didn't you tell me what you thought about me taking over as Surgeon General at Starfleet Medical?"

He replied without hesitation, "I would have been denying you the opportunity to advance your career." He took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and looked down at their hands again. "Dr. Fandau sent me the written offer at the same time he sent it to you. I knew from the way it was written that he had discussed it with you at length some time prior to that." He looked at her, watching for something to indicate what was going on inside, "Data and Geordi also mentioned to me that you had talked to each of them about it, so I presumed you would bring it up with me as well. Then, as time went by, and you still said nothing, I felt betrayed."

The weight of guilt and remorse swept over her like a heavy shroud, as she looked down, first at her feet, then at their hands. She realized how deeply she had hurt him, albeit unintentionally.

"I never meant to hurt you by not telling you about Yerbi's offer, Jean-Luc... when I left Starfleet Medical to come back to the _Enterprise_ years ago, I always believed I'd go back later on." Sadness filled her eyes at the memories flooded back to her. "That year without Wesley was one of the hardest of my life. I might have helped cure a disease which had killed millions, but I missed watching my son grow up. Coming back to the _Enterprise_ was just something knew I needed to do back then." Beverly shifted her weight, and tucked her legs up underneath her as she pulled on her shirt sleeve, "When Yerbi made me the offer, I thought maybe it would be good, at least in the beginning. I told myself Wesley would always know where to find me whenever he came back." Her voice came out sounding more wistful than she felt as she shook her head. "Now I know that Wesley never had anything to do with it. I was still hiding behind my child, even after all this time."

She fidgeted, tapping her fingers on her knee.

Jean-Luc reached out and put his hand on top of hers.

She looked down at his hand, finding strength in his touch, and continued. "I knew our friendship had faded." Beverly stopped, gathering her words, "But... I wanted you to tell me not to leave." Frustration filled her voice, "You didn't oppose my decision, you didn't try to talk me out of it, nothing. You accepted everything I did. Then when you congratulated me and told me I'd made the best choice..." Beverly stopped again, then added quietly, "this doesn't sound rational, does it?" She was shaking her head, knowing she'd been letting everything tumble out of her mouth again, but without regret. She felt tears welling up in her eyes, and willed them not to fall.

"Beverly, it would have been selfish of me to ask you to stay on the Enterprise, which is, in part, why I couldn't do it. The distance between us became an insurmountable barrier and once you left, I was constantly reminded of how empty my life was without you there to share it with". He looked back up at her, his face filled with despair as his voice softened, "You seemed so much happier having made your decision to further your career, to leave. I thought I'd be hurting you by asking you to stay, or by telling you how I felt ... well, I did that on Kevratas." His voice caught for just a second, his eyes filled with a longing she had never seen before. "I think we forget that love comes with risks and rewards. The risks were all I could think about; the danger of losing the last part of our friendship, however strained, was too much for me to bear. I couldn't ask you to stay when I had nothing to offer you. What I didn't know then, was how much I was giving up and how empty the Enterprise would become once you were gone."

Beverly shifted her legs in front of her, sliding closer to him, "I never expected you to tell me how you felt about me; that surprised me." She paused for moment again as they met each other's gaze, "Then when we were aboard the Annabelle Lee, every time you walked into a room, or I saw you in the corridor, I knew it wasn't possible for us to go back to how we used to be."

She stopped for a minute to gather her words as Jean-Luc broke their gaze.

"Jean-Luc?"

He looked up at her, his eyes a mix of longing and resignation.

"I'm glad that you told me how you feel. Hearing that..." Matching his gaze, she continued, "I love you." She smiled, seeing her words dissipate the despair in his eyes as he returned her smile.

"Beverly, there's something I need to ask you." Jean-Luc began, his nervousness showing through in his eyes.

"Okay." Beverly said, her voice filled with intrigue.

"You didn't get involved with anyone, at least that I was aware of, until after Wesley left for Starfleet Academy. While I know that he is an adult, he will also always be your son and your first priority," he paused for a moment, gathering his words. "Please understand that I have no intent to cause harm, rather, I want to avoid the outcome at all costs. Is Wesley going to have a problem with the two of us?"

_I suppose I should have seen this coming, she thought to herself, as she felt a smile forming on her lips._ "No; Wesley encouraged me to start dating again when he was about ten. From the first time that he brought up the conversation, his reasoning never wavered: he didn't want me to be alone, and he reminded me that his father wouldn't have wanted that for me either. Granted, it took him until he was about fifteen to be comfortable with it in both theory and reality." She smiled at the memory, "Wesley's always been aware that you and I... he's never been anything but happy, and I can't imagine that changing."

They leaned forward, their foreheads touching, as their lips to faintly brushed together. Beverly could feel the heat of Jean-Luc's breath against her face as they both searched each other's eyes. A wave of desire crashed over her as Jean-Luc's lips met hers, firmly and longingly. Without thinking, Beverly moved her hand up to the back of Jean-Luc's neck, and felt his hand slide by her ear and into her hair, as they pulled each other closer. Beverly felt warm; she could feel her entire body throbbing. She found herself wrapping her arms around Jean-Luc's shoulders as she stood up, her mind racing yet unable to think, her body wanting more of Jean-Luc almost as much as she wanted to give more of herself to him. They drew closer still, their lips still delicately touching before parting again; neither wanting to push the other too far to fast, but both of them wanting more. She felt Jean-Luc's other hand against her back, and melted into him as she closed her eyes & tilted her head just slightly. An instant later, she felt Jean-Luc do the same as their fleeting, light kisses deepened into more lengthy, passion-filled ones. They moved closer together with each kiss until she couldn't tell where she began and he ended, and more importantly, it didn't matter.


	4. Gossip and Decisions

Beverly had no idea how many times they'd made love. The number didn't matter. It got better every time. They were quickly learning what each gasp, each pause, each movement meant, and how to elicit the best from each other. She was amazed by Jean-Luc in ways that a day ago, she didn't even know existed. She suspected she'd done the same for him.

They'd crossed the final barrier between them. Knowing they could never go back to the way things were, they had both exposed their souls to each other. All their faults, their strengths, their eccentricities-- everything had been revealed. They treasured each other in ways neither of them could have imagined, let alone understood.

She gazed into the firelight, allowing her mind to rest until she felt Jean-Luc's gaze upon her. She turned toward him, seated next to her, extended her hand toward his. He grasped it, pulling her closer and stealing a kiss as he settled her across his lap.

"I'm going to miss this," she said, as she curled herself up in Jean-Luc's arms.

"What, kissing?" he quipped quietly, as he continued his stream of light kisses along her cheek.

"No. When we're up there, you're the captain. Here, you're Jean-Luc. You're relaxed for a change. It's good. I like not having to maintain an air of decorum."

"Well, then we shall have to declare a "no decorum zone," he teased with a silly grin.

Beverly couldn't help smiling in response.

"It occurs to me that I can't have you walking through the corridors at all hours in your pajamas. You may have to limit that to the 'no decorum zone."

Beverly grinned playfully, running her fingers along his jawline, "we can't have the captain being spotted early in the mornings trying to slip out of the 'no decorum zone' and back into his quarters either."

"Indeed." He paused for a minute as he picked up his tea cup. Noticing her full cup next to the pot on the trivet, she picked hers up too.

Sipping her tea, Beverly added, "I suppose the only question is if you are moving into my quarters, or if I am moving into yours?"

Jean-Luc smiled back, delighted, "we do have a full day of leave ahead of us tomorrow. We could probably get settled into one place or another in that time."

Beverly's eyes narrowed for a moment as she set her cup down, then took his and set it down as well, "how many bathroom drawers do you use?"

Jean-Luc thought for a minute, "Three. One big one and two little ones. There are eight in my bathroom now, four small, two medium, two large. Will five suffice?"

Beverly nodded, "more than plenty, your place it is."

"Anything else?" he asked, his tone more serious, "There must be something more important than bathroom drawers."

Beverly's lips quirked as she thought for a minute, then added, "maybe an additional shelf for my plants, but that's all I can think of for the moment. I admit though, I am easily distracted right now," she finished with series of kisses across his cheek.

"I suppose you're reserving the right to change whatever else you feel is appropriate at an unspecified time in the future," he playfully responded.

"Would you like a five minute warning?" Beverly answered mischievously.

"Why ruin the surprise?" He said as he kissed her again.

They sat back, watching the firelight and drinking tea in a comfortable silence, until Beverly began to smile, then chuckle to herself.

"What are you thinking about?" Jean-Luc's curiosity was evident in his voice as he raised his eyebrows, his smile still firmly in place.

"Remember all those betting pools on when we'd get together? I wonder who just won," she grinned.

"Well," Jean-Luc laughed, "my guess is Will Riker hedged his bets on enough of them that he could probably buy the entire Ferengi Alliance," he replied, chuckling too. "Though I must admit, it's rare that I get to hear a rumor about myself anymore that doesn't also include you."

They fell into silence. Beverly felt her eyebrows furrow as she struggled with the reality that had occurred to her moments before.

"Beverly, what is it?"

Sipping her tea, Beverly's eyes narrowed as she tried to pinpoint an emotion, a thought, something that would help her understand what she was troubled by.

"I don't know. It's...," she took a breath, and a sip of tea, then began pulling on her sleeve with her fingers. "It's something about the idea of the rumors... I'm not sure," she shook her head. "It's not that I'm bothered, or that it's an intrusion. No, neither of those are quite right," she finished, speaking as much to herself as to him as she set her cup down. Realizing she wasn't much good for conversation at the moment, she dismissed it from her mind, adding, "It's probably nothing." She picked up her cup and took another sip of her tea.

"Beverly, I'm fairly certain that I know what it is." Jean-Luc's voice was quieter, measured, and very even-toned now, and experience told her she wasn't going to like whatever it was he was about to say. The feeling of dread intensified, and she found herself putting down her cup and reaching out for Jean-Luc's hand.

"What is it?" She asked, holding on to his fingers as though he could anchor her, bracing her for whatever it was.

"It's because there's some measure of truth to the rumors. Before, we could laugh it off, believing there wasn't anything more between us. For that reason, those harmless rumors of old, now feel like a violation of your privacy."

She could tell he was gauging her response. _Maybe that is it. No. Doesn't feel right. There have been too many lurid tales over the years... Think, Beverly! _Her eyes were now barely slits, and her forehead creased in thought again. After a few moments of soul searching, she realized it was true. _Jean-Luc is right. Our lives can't ever truly be private- at least not on a ship with eight hundred fifty five crew- not to mention a whole fleet just a subspace transmission away. _Beverly found herself nodding in agreement.

"That's it, Jean-Luc." She looked up at him, not realizing when she had started looking down at their hands. "That's what it is. It's the feeling that we have no privacy. It's not like here in France, where we can share the innermost parts of ourselves with each other, and not necessarily the entire crew." She could feel the tension inside her dissipate, and let go of his hand. "Is it bothering you too?"

"No." Jean-Luc's voice was wary, accompanied by a self-deprecating smile. "I came to accept the loss of my privacy a long time ago. I admit, it has shaped me over the years. I remember when I first became a captain and what it took to learn these things. It hurt me tremendously then."

"You're right. I guess this is something I'll have to get used to, isn't it?" She asked, pulling on her sleeve. Beverly refilled both their cups, and set the pot back down.

"What about the crew? Every time something happens that involves Medical, everyone will assume that your choices are based more on me and our relationship than on facts. I don't want that for either of us, or my section."

"There are those among the crew," he began in a deliberate, measured tone, "present and former, who have all ready been thinking that for more than a dozen years now, Beverly. Just like the ones who feel that you get special treatment that no other senior staff get. They will see by the actions taken, and the outcome of those actions, that our motivations were not then, and are not now, biased in any way, just as they always have before."

"When did that happen? You never told me anyone thought I got special treatment." Beverly crossed her arms in front of her.

"That's because no one ever has." Jean-Luc gave her his most reassuring smile. "I'm sure that someone at some point most certainly thought of it, perhaps because of the rumors, but no one has ever considered it serious enough to have given voice to such a concern." She watched his shoulders relax as he continued, "I believe that we can agree, it's a common issue when anyone in a position of authority either becomes, or has the appearance of becoming, involved with another person in a similar position of authority. We're both well aware of the frequency with which gossip focuses on the two of us. I've given due diligence to the topic over the years, to ensure that such concerns were never given more than a passing thought. And as long as everyone, yourself included, felt things were handled in a fair and equitable manner, my efforts have been satisfactory."

"Good point." Beverly conceded. _I guess there's no reason to keep arguing that. _"What if Starfleet Command uses this as an excuse to question your objectivity? They fought with Will about having Deanna on his senior staff. They said she'd have more sway over him than was appropriate. Why would you be any different?"

Jean-Luc turned toward her, meeting her eyes as he took her hands, "Beverly, you are far more important to me than Starfleet. I can tell you without a doubt that if I were forced to, I'd choose you without any deliberation or regret." Beverly watched a number of emotions, from tumultuous to more content fill his eyes.

Beverly frowned. _Are you listening to yourself, Jean-Luc? You can't give up the command chair, regardless of what you say. It's _**who you** _are. Starfleet has been the center of your life for more than a half century! You choosing anything over Starfleet? I can't even imagine that happening. _

"What about your ability to make command decisions? You just admitted that given the choice between me and Starfleet, you'll pick me." Beverly thought, _"There's no way, given his duties, that he could do that even if he felt that way. But if we're going to have this conversation, we may as well at least use this scenario as an example, regardless of how far fetched it is. _"As long as you do that, it's going to create a problem. Where do you draw the line, Jean-Luc?"

Beverly looked into his eyes. She wanted to see certainty; that he would make the right choices for the right reasons, regardless of what was between them. She watched as he sighed and looked down at their hands. _Not the answer I'm looking for._

"You're right, Beverly. That's something that could become a problem. And I could ask the same of you. Can you maintain your objectivity as a doctor and still treat me in a triage situation? Or would you loose your objectivity?"

Beverly sank back in the chair again, closing her eyes in thought for a moment._ I wonder if he's worried about me not maintaining my professional objectivity? No. He would have said that if it's what he was getting at. _She turned her head toward Jean-Luc, as she reopened her eyes. "I suppose I have the better of the options between us. I can assign another doctor to be your attending physician, and I can still treat other patients. Doctors are allowed to question each other's objectivity. It's part of the territory, particularly when one spends years at a time with the same crew on the same ship. You'd have to relinquish command and return to quarters, which, depending on the situation, may not be possible."

Jean-Luc sat back in his chair as well, returning her gaze. "Agreed. The options are limited. However, it's a risk I'm more than willing to take."

Beverly smiled as she sat back, content, until she saw Jean-Luc's jaw tighten and his shoulders stiffen.

"What is it?" Beverly asked, sitting forward.

"It's difficult. I can't..." He sat forward as he stopped, closed his mouth, and took a deep breath.

After a few moments, he continued. "Please, understand that this is something that has plagued me for a long time; long before you left the Enterprise for Starfleet Medical or Kevratas." Jean-Luc's voice grew quieter, his eyes more intense. "I love you. So much so that there are times when ordering you into a hazardous situation, whether it's a dangerous away team or part of a mission, is agonizing. If something were ever to happen to you, or if we had to leave..." Jean-Luc's voice drifted off as he broke their gaze and looked down.

"Jean-Luc," Beverly began, as she reached out, tipping his chin up so she could meet his eyes, "I took an oath to Starfleet, just as you did. We've both agreed long ago to take the risks that come with our jobs."

"I know," he replied, his eyes revealing the turmoil within him as he took her hands in his own, "and I can't treat you any differently than anyone else when we're on duty. It would be an abuse of my position, it would force you to compromise your integrity both personally and professionally, and such a decision could endanger lives. I can't allow that."

She leaned toward him until their foreheads touched, "I know that if it ever were necessary for you to order me to take those kind of risks, you'd do so because it's the right thing to do, regardless of how much it would hurt. I understand it, and how difficult such a decision could be. It's part of why I love you."

Beverly watched the tension drain from Jean-Luc, and could hear the relief in his hushed response. "Thank you, Beverly."

"Honestly," Beverly gave Jean-Luc a small smile, as she ran her fingers along his cheek, "I'd much prefer it if you didn't go on away teams or take other hazardous assignments either."

She felt Jean-Luc touch her hand that rested against his chin, instinctively wrapping his fingers around her own. He stood, drawing her up against him as he did so, still matching her eyes. She could smell Jean-Luc's cologne and feel the heat of his breath on her face. He moved their joined hands around her waist, his other hand settling on her opposite hip, sending a spike of heat through her so fierce that she felt her breath catch in her throat. Jean-Luc's eyes danced with anticipation, as his lips grazed hers. She closed her eyes, freeing her hand from his, up across his back, allowing herself to soften into his arms, his mouth....


	5. De Novo

Author's Note: This chapter includes spoilers from the book/movie Nemesis, as well as Resistance by J.M. Dillard.

* * *

They walked through the gardens one more time before they returned to the ship, watching the birds chirping to each other in the trees, and flittering up and down the rows of vines. They walked in silence again, much as they had when they first arrived.

Beverly was amazed at how much difference just a few days made. Tomorrow they'd be leaving Earth Station McKinley, but this time, they'd truly be leaving together.

They talked about the world they were returning to. Not only had their separate lives changed, but the lives of those around them had also changed. Data was gone. B-4 would be disassembled the following morning before being sent off to the Daystrom Institute for study. Will and Deanna were off on the Titan, along with a good portion of their former crew. Worf had returned, but he was different; he'd matured. It seemed fitting somehow, to start off with a mission of exploration. They were exploring their new life together, exploring the personalities of the new staff assigned, and now exploring the Denab System.

When they returned to the house, they gathered up their belongings and beamed back to the ship. As they walked to Jean-Luc's- their quarters, Beverly touched his hand in the empty corridor when no one was looking. It was a decadent thing, but enjoyable, and rewarded with a tiny smile that anyone who hadn't known him for so many years wouldn't have picked up on.

Approaching the door, Jean-Luc turned sideways, and in one swift move, swept her up in his arms. As they crossed into his private space that had become theirs, he whispered, "welcome home," as his lips met her own.

He carefully set her back down on the deck and watched as a packing crate containing the rest of her possessions materialized next to them, their bags perched atop it.

They stood together, staring at the crate for a moment.

"What about your plants? The orchids and the moss?"

"Let's just say that some former interns of mine do better at patient care than plant care." She answered with a wry smile. "The good news is I do know how to get some more."

"Just don't let any interns near them in the future," Jean-Luc smiled.

Beverly sighed for a moment, then turned back to Jean-Luc. "I guess it's time to get this stuff unpacked."

"I have a better idea," he began with a smile as he brought his hand up to her cheek. "I love you." Beverly felt her heart leap in her chest when he spoke. They were words that, only weeks ago, had seemed surreal. Now those words filled her with a warm bliss that was unlike anything else.

"I love you too, Jean-Luc." Beverly replied, as she leaned forward, and tenderly touched her lips to his, lingering to enjoy the scent of him, as his fingers trailed through her hair.

His lips gently rejoined hers without hesitation, as his hands skimmed across her hips, coming to rest on the small of her back. She could feel the passion, barely checked, flowing through him. _This is what I wanted_. They broke apart, taking in each other as they gulped in air.

Beverly's hands moved toward Jean-Luc, grazing his torso as they moved upward, across his chest, past his shoulders. She caressed his face as he closed his eyes, allowing the sensation to pass through him. He brought up his arm, and took her hand in his, kissing her fingertips, her palm, and the inside of her wrist as he opened his eyes, still holding her hand at chest level. She glided her other hand back toward his neck, as her lips danced across his cheekbone to his ear, then down his neck to the collar of his shirt. Beverly felt their feet moving together toward the bedroom, as though they were dancing to a silent melody...


End file.
